Thursday, November 8, 2012

Why hello blog!
It has been a long time. I promise it was not my intention to leave you for so long. Things have been happening in my life, and I have been struggling quite a bit.

It's a hard thing to not know what to do and to feel like you aren't good enough. That has kind of been what I've been going through. I've been so lost; I have a long term goal, but I have no idea what to do right now. On top of that, I've been having problems with my own self-esteem. For a while I was in a kind of dark place, but I managed to drag myself out of it with the support of others.

I have made a few goals for myself, and I would like to share them.

1. I am participating in NaNoWriMo. For those of you that don't know, that stands for National Novel Writing Month. In the month of November you write a 50,000 word novel. It can be about anything, but your goal is to get 50,000 words by the end of the month. I started a little late, so I'm already behind. However, I am determined to get it. Of course I may be a nutcase by the end of it, but it's a risk I will take because I love writing and someday hope to be an author.

2. I am going to try become an animal rehabilitator. That wouldn't be my main career, but it's something I think that I would enjoy. I've always loved animals, and I'd like to do something to help them.

3. I will get rid of 5 lbs of my body weight. I've lost a little so far, but I want that 5 lbs gone.

4. I'm going to try and think of one positive thing about myself each day. My self-esteem is bad, and I need and want to do something about that myself.

Those are the top 4 things right now. I will be back with updates from time to time on those, and I'm planning on posting about other things in my life right now.

Monday, September 10, 2012


Alright, so I lied. This post isn't about my trip to Colorado. It's about something else.

Today is Suicide Awareness Day, and while it's coming to an end, I still feel that it is something I need to talk about. Sometimes you get to a place that is so dark that you just don't see yourself coming out of it, and you ask why should you even try? At least, I have asked that before. Sometimes I've felt so powerless and depressed that I just couldn't think of anything else.

I've had friends in worse situations; I've known people that have tried. Sometimes it isn't easy to come back from that point. However, if you are lucky you have people around you that make it possible. You find strength in something and hold on to it or it holds on to you.

My savior has always been the love of my family, boyfriend, friends, support from people I've met through The Bloggess, and as strange as it may seem my cats. All of them love me and value me for who I am. I have to believe that there's a reason they love me and a reason that I'm here.

The times when you aren't sure of yourself are the times when you need to get the lies out of your head. Make a journal full of things that make you happy like stickers or pictures of people you love. Find a song or a saying (both if you want). Just hold on to whatever it is that keeps you sane and makes you happy. Know that people out there care. If you ever need somebody to talk to, I'm open and I'm sure there are many others out there that are as well.

Love yourself. You are special.

Saturday, September 1, 2012


Once again I realize it has been a while since I've written. However, I try not to write when I'm feeling particularly depressed or so mixed up that I'm not sure what my feelings are. That, and I have been away on two trips. I think I shall cover the first trip in this post, and then tomorrow if I'm feeling alright I shall post about the other one.

The first trip I went on was to Florida with my boyfriend, his family, and his sister's boyfriend. We drove, so that was already promising to be interesting. It took me forever to pack not because I didn't know what to pack though. Since I was traveling with his family, I didn't want to bring 500 lbs of things, and I was coming back on an airplane instead of driving with them, so I also didn't want to leave them with a lot of my stuff. I managed to get everything into a backpack, my purse, and another small bag. His family was shocked that all I had brought was that. This immediately brought out a sense of pride because I often over pack.

I'd never been through some of the states we drove through, so that was fun. Of course, I also ended up sleeping a lot of the way. For some reason car trips just knock me out. I've been known to fall asleep on a car ride that lasted all of 5 minutes. That's honestly how bad I am with it.

We stayed in a condo while we were there which was lovely. My family usually stays in hotels when we go places, but his will rent a place that is in the city they are staying in. It was really nice having a lot of room.

Anyway, we were actually there to see a wedding. Now, other than his immediate family, I've had no meeting with the rest of his family. On this trip I was meeting a lot of his mother's family. Cue nerves. The first night we were to go to a cook out at his aunt and uncle's place. The house was lovely and right by the water.  However, it was hard to enjoy that at first since I was unsure of what to do. Oh I know to shake hands and everything, but I am horrible with speaking to people I'm meeting for the first time if it is in a group setting. Fortunately, this time my mouth was actually able to form words into sentences, and they actually made sense!!!

It was  a very wonderful evening. Anyway, we went to the wedding the next day which was absolutely gorgeous. It was on the beach, so it had a very pretty back drop as well. His family was so lovely.

We went to the beach a few times of course. My tan line is an absolutely lovely reminder of that. Fortunately most of it is where you can't see. We also rented a pontoon boat and went tubing. Okay I didn't do the tubing but his dad, mom sister's boyfriend, aunts and his cousin with his girlfriend did. I was too nervous about it, especially after they thought they saw a shark. As we were leaving, we saw a pod of dolphins. There were babies and their parents. It was so magical. Some of them came quite close, and a few started jumping.

We also ended up going to Pensacola beach which was really interesting. Fish kept nipping at us, and one got in my swimsuit. I also kicked one. Finally, on the last day...we went parasailing. I hate heights, so this took all my control to not vomit out of nerves. However, I think I was too tired from the night before to care which was nice. My boyfriend and I went up together, and I had a death grip on the straps the whole time. It was a gorgeous view, but that still didn't take my fear away. Still, I did it!!!!!

It really was a lovely trip. I definitely want to go back there again some day.

Monday, July 23, 2012

I have realized that I have not posted in some time. I'd like you to know it isn't because something has happened to in a bad way. I have gone on many adventures with people and by myself. I even managed to get lost in the Wal Mart in my town. For those of you that actually know me, you'll admit that you aren't really that shocked I'm sure, but for others this may be the first time you are hearing about my less than stellar navigation skills. Yes, I'm still here, and yes I shall be making a post...right now.

Currently, my boyfriend's family is interested in getting some Australian Shepherd puppies, so I've been looking around hoping to help. During my search I have come across Australian Shepherd puppies, but I've also discovered something else....I should NEVER be allowed to look at pet ads unless I'm actually going to get one. I want so many of them.

My count so far is 10 dogs, 2 bunnies, and 3 kittens. Clearly I can't afford all of them, and I don't have a place for them. Goodness save my poor boyfriend when I start trying to collect all the animals in the world. Right now the one that I really want is a chug. There's one that has a picture that makes it look like it's posing for a painting.

I don't know what to do with all this animal want...

Saturday, July 7, 2012

So the even that I'm writing about actually happened last Saturday, but I have not been sure how to write about it. I think I have it now.

Last Saturday one of my friends got married. I've known her since sophomore year in high school, and I was definitely excited. My boyfriend and I went to the church (without getting lost!!!), and sat there for a bit. It gave me some time to look around. Everything was really simple, but it was really nice. I'd been a little worried that it would be awkward being there around all the family and close friends, but then I recognized some people. It made the nerves go down for me.

Then, the ceremony began. The bridesmaids all looked lovely (silver dresses), and the ring bearer carried in an oven mitt since both my friend and her husband are both chefs. Then she came in, and I immediately felt a tug. She looked absolutely gorgeous, and even more than that she looked so completely and utterly happy and excited. She was probably also nervous, but I could not tell and the song she chose to walk into was absolutely perfect. It was Here Comes the Sun-The Beatles

The ceremony was short and simple, but it was definitely very personal. The two had clearly gotten to know the person doing the ceremony, and he even connected the culinary world with their marriage. It was just lovely. The two of them were just so sweet, and you could definitely feel their love just enveloping everything. It's so nice to see couples like that.

Afterwards we went to her reception. We waited for her to get there, and I had a chance to look around. There were pictures of the two of them on one of the tables. By the door was a box and some recipe cards where we were to write them a recipe for a happy life together. I thought it was such a cute did take me a while to come up with something. Next to that was the favor table. An aunt had made jam and put it into jars. (Cranberry and strawberry..sooooo goood!!!) They came, and then we ate. She had actually made her own reception meal. We are from Texas, and it was BBQ; it was pretty perfect. Only problem was...I wanted to keep eating. Rest of the night was speeches, cake and dancing. Through it all, I couldn't help but keep looking at her and her husband. They were so happy and glowing. It just made you have warm fuzzies all over. Some day I hope to have something like that.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

There are times when I have everything planned. I know where I'm going, and I know what I'm doing. However, most times I have no idea what the heck I'm doing. In those times sometimes I panic and freak out and others I'm fine with it. It's the times when I panic and freak like I did for about an hour or two a few days ago that I have to remind myself why I should remain calm and think of things I can do. Sometimes it's hard, so I decided to write them down here. Maybe it will just be a help to me, but it might help others that might be reading this.

1. I WILL figure it out eventually. It's hard to realize this while you're imagining yourself in all different bad situations, but it is true. It might not be as fast as I would like, but it will happen. Even if it is only what I plan to do tomorrow or even just a few hours from now, I will figure out something.
2. It's alright to not always know. Not everything is expected; not everything has to be planned. Sometimes I've found what I want to do by simply doing nothing. I just stopped thinking about it, and it came on it's own. Sometimes, you can over think something to the point where you can't clearly get an idea.
3. You can experiment. The last time that I started to panic that I didn't know what I was going to do with my life, I made biscuits for the first time. I just got up and decided to do it, and I've been trying stuff like that for a while. Going out and doing something new is distracting, and it gets you to laugh and relax a little.

Yes, there are only three, but they are the important ones for me. I may not know what I'm going to do my whole life, but I know that I will have fun getting there. I know it will be an adventure, and that in part is what life is supposed to be like.

Monday, June 25, 2012


It has been a few days ago, but this post is about my experience making biscuits. I have always enjoyed baking, but it has always been with desserts. However, I really want to take over making meals to help my mom out. In order to do that, I knew I would need to break away from desserts. I have tried making eggs as seen in an earlier post, but I was unsure of where to go from there. That's when I decided to email a wonderful chef named Ben Starr. He was on Master Chef season 2, and he is without a doubt my favorite contestant. I decided that I wanted to email him and ask for some advice about where to start. It was kind of nerve wracking to email somebody that I truly admire. Still, I sent off the message and waited unsure of when and if I would hear from him.

Then, I got a response. I was so excited for a multitude of reasons. He is such an extraordinarily genuine and kind person. You just have to read his blog to see that, and his email to me showed me that even more. He told me to try his recipe for buttermilk biscuits which is on his website, and he also suggested a cake recipe to try as well. In addition, he just made me feel so comfortable. I didn't feel stupid like I normally do when I ask people about things. It was nice.

Anyway, I tried out his recipe for biscuits. First I watched the video that he had posted up that went step by step how to make them. Afterwards I felt pretty decent about my ability to be successful with it and went to gather all the ingredients. I ended up watching the video again as I went just to make sure I was doing things right. Everything was going alright except for a few minor mistakes. I forgot to flower my hands, so at first the dough stuck to my hands. After fixing that, I was doing pretty well. I was so excited. That's when I went to go get the biscuit cutter and realized that we had no biscuit cutter.

At first I panicked, and then I shook my head. This would only happen to me. Luckily, I found a Santa cookie cutter to use. While it wasn't exactly conventional, they turned out pretty good. They were great with jelly. I felt so happy that the biscuits turned out edible and that I was on my way to learning how to cook. I felt so grateful to Ben Starr at that moment. He just made me feel so much better. Next, I'm planning on trying his cake. Chalk this one up to a win. I'm going slowly, but I'm learning.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Alright, so here is my blog about my trip to Los Angeles. It may be a bit scattered because I'm writing in between freezes on the cam watching The Bloggess. Honestly, if you haven't checked her out you need to....check out her blog I mean. Ok, so I lied. I am now writing this since she is done.

I already covered the flight, so I will skip ahead to Friday because Thursday we just went to our hotel. 
Friday: We went to Ventura and took a trip to Santa Cruz on a boat. It was freezing, but as my brother said after a while you got numb and it wasn't bad. The island was gorgeous!!! They have these foxes there that are the second smallest in the world. Plus, the views are amazing. Although, it was kind of weird being higher up than birds. After that we were pretty much wiped and we went back to LA.

Saturday: My sister graduated!!! Honestly, it was like no graduation I had ever been to before. My sister is a graduate of FIDM which is a fashion school in LA. They have more majors than just fashion, but that is what they are really known for. Anyway, the assembly was in the Stables Center which was incredible. There were so many people, and almost all of them had decorated themselves and their attire in some way. The ceremony was long, but it was totally awesome because of all the different looks you got to see. Plus, I got to see my sister walk the stage. She looked so amazing, and I loved her hat. After that, we went out to eat. Drink recommendation: Brazilian Lemonade. Then back to hotel.

Sunday: We went to San Diego. It was amazing, and I think if I were to live in California that I would choose there. That is of course out of the places I've been to. Anyway, we went to this place called The Fish Market. It is pretty much the best seafood I have ever had. Please go there! Seriously, just thinking about it makes me salivate. Oh, and for dessert you should try their key lime pie. After that we just walked around and then went to Point Loma. Another of the most beautiful views that I have ever seen in my life! Then back to LA and we left the next day.

This is kind of just a basic outline. It was an absolutely amazing trip. I hardly ever get to spend that much time with my family. Usually one of us isn't there or we're just together for a day. This was just so special.  

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Hello you all. Got back from Los Angeles yesterday. It was a fabulous trip which I will go into detail tomorrow, but today I would like to talk about my time with the airports. Now I'm not sure if I said before, but I hate flying. I'm scared of heights, but it's mostly during take off when I freak the hell out. It was totally worth it since it was to see my younger sister graduate, but I was still scared as hell.

On the way out to Los Angeles, take off was terrible for me. As soon as the back wheels left the ground and the plane dipped slightly, I was paralyzed with a death grip on the arm rest and with eyes the size of a small tire. (This is what my brother told me; I'm pretty sure I passed out for a second.) Anyway, my mom takes my hand off the arm rest and puts it on hers. She claims I didn't, but I feel pretty certain that I crushed it for about 5 minutes until the plane evened out and such. For the rest of the time I was fine with the flight. There was a screaming child behind us which was not fun, but I only hate those situations because the parent is usually doing nothing. It sounded like her little ears hurt and her mom wasn't talking to her or anything about it. I felt bad for the child.

Now that went pretty well, but coming back I was not happy. During airport security checks, both my mom and I got stopped. She was stopped for random screening which I thought was kind of ridiculous because they had told her to go ahead and get her stuff, and then they pulled her over to the side after she'd been giving the green light. I mean, I understand random screenings, but why tell the person to go ahead if you're going to take it back?

Anywho, I also got stopped. The airport security people were doing their jobs and looking at the bags, and my stuff got stopped. I had to get one article swabbed because it had looked suspicious or something. That article was my book. It wasn't even just any book. It was my copy of Let's Pretend This Never Happened by the awesome Jenny Lawson (a.k.a. The Bloggess). It was kind of funny, but at the same book? Really? Not my purse or anything? My book. I totally say yay for doing their jobs because if something looks suspicious they should check, book? What the heck did they see that looked weird?

That little episode scared the crap out of me because I had no idea what they saw. I was already nervous about the flight, and that had not made it any better. Go figure though, after that, the flight was easy and I did not kill my mom's hand. Guess it all worked out pretty well. :)
Details on trip tomorrow.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Well here it is. It's another night, and I can't seem to sleep. I thought that I should make a post.

The other day, one of my friends lost somebody very important to her. It made me so sad because she has an occasion coming up that is one for celebration, and for something like this to happen is really sad. Also, the person she lost was such a wonderful human being.

Her loss made me think again about things. Even though I don't always see it (since I'm kind of psycho), I am extraordinarily lucky. I have a wonderful family and fantastic friends, and I've been given so many opportunities that others don't have. Sure, I might not be famous or rich or anything, but I have what really counts. The thing is, I don't always let people know how I feel. Oh I try, but sometimes when you're sucked up in your own world, it can be so easy to forget to take some time out. Therefore, another thing I am adding to the list of things I will do more is to tell people more how much I care about them.

Also, I think I may go in search of another red dress but not for me. I think I would like to gift it to a friend. We shall see though.

Oh, in other news my sister will be graduating this Saturday which means that I will be traveling to LA by airplane. I'm quite nervous, but I do have something to read on the flight. I finally got Jenny Lawson's book! :)

Well, as hopeless as it may be, I'm going to attempt to sleep again. Until we meet again readers.

Friday, June 8, 2012

For the last couple of days I have been an absolute ball of crazy. One minute I am perfectly sane, and the next second I'm flying off the handle into anger land or sadness city. I've gotten depressed for no reason and lashed out at people because of the way I feel. It's like I get caught up into this little whirlwind of emotion and depression that I can't get out of even though I try.

I talked about it with my mom, and she says that it may be hard for me for a while because I'm going through a transition period, and she's probably right. I always seem to have problems when I start anything new or something like that. Next thing you know I'm on my bed crying or something of the sort. Goodness knows I always try to fight it, but sometimes I just get overwhelmed.

Finally, last night I was able to pull myself out of the spiral. Partly it was because I watched The Bloggess' video about how depression lies, and the other part was that my friends wanted to do mad libs. I know that probably seems a little silly, but it's true. Once we started doing those, it was like I was back in a place where I felt safe and where I had people surrounding me that would kick anything's ass that messed with me.

Before I knew it, I was laughing and acting like my regular self again. Sometimes I have snaps that last a long time and other times they are short. Regardless, I hate every snap I have because it is not something that is fun or easy for me and people around me to deal with it. The good thing is that I know it isn't forever even if it may feel like it.

I'm considering making a love book where I put reminders to myself about who loves me and what I love...just things to make me feel good.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Have you ever watched somebody perform that just moved you? That's what happened to me the other night. Saturday night, a few friends and I went to the club. I hadn't seen one of them in a while, so I was excited about that. Anyway, we got there and around midnight they put on a show. It's a drag show that they do on Fridays and Saturdays, and it is always a lot of fun.

One of the performers just took my breath away. They were all good, but this one performed in such away that made me so extraordinarily happy that it actually brought some tears to my eyes. Her name is Sierra, and she is extremely talented. When she performs, you can just feel how happy she is, and she's just so absolutely gorgeous and sincere when she performs. The crowd loved her too; she got such a huge round of applause, especially after this one number she did that she sent out to her sister and mom. (They were there celebrating her sister's birthday).

I watched the other girls, and they were talented as well and they were happy, but it was Sierra I just couldn't stop smiling about. Part of it may be that she was the first one out to perform, but I don't think that's it.

Anyway, it always makes me so happy watching the drag show and other shows too because watching people be so secure and confident in themselves is beautiful to me. It takes a lot to get out there and do what performers do. Heck it takes a lot for anybody to step out and be who they are. It's just more evident in performers at times. It just kind of reminded me that if you are who you are and you're happy in that, it comes out and can touch people beyond just yourself. It's something I need to remember more often.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Art on a Friday

Today was rather fun although had a little a guilt mixed in as well. Oh, before I forget, I joined a gym. I can't remember if I've said that before, but if I did this is just a repeat. I went and  cycled for a bit, and afterwards my knees felt like jelly. Then I got up and my legs felt like jelly, and if you've never had the sensation that you were walking on legs made of jelly...well it's just an interesting and somewhat distressing feeling. Of course, I was happy that it meant I had done a good workout, but I walked like I was unsure of where my feet were. Oh well, at least that is something I've done.

Back to today though. As per usual, I hung out with my boyfriend who was not feeling too well. This made me sad inside, but as much as I wanted to, I couldn't stay with him all day because I had made plans for lunch with my friend. However, bf was such a sweet person and drove me to meet my friend, and I promised to bring him something back after I was done. Anyway, I hadn't seen my friend for oh...probably 7 months or so. Rose and I have known one another since middle school, and she's leaving in the fall so it's kind of strange. Talking with her though was as though no time at all had passed. She's one of those people that I can just pick up with no matter what. We kind of covered all subject areas, and there was no judging or criticism about anything. Sure there are things we don't necessarily see eye to eye on, but we've always been able to share without really getting angered or arguing. It's nice to be able to say what you feel without worry of that. Let's face it, not everybody can be like that with everybody else. After that, I got bf something to eat, and Rose drove me back home. Hopefully we shall be hanging out again...maybe for margaritas or a game night.

Anywho, later after games and such, bf and I went to meet my friend Becca. In our downtown today there was this sort of art thing. People were selling jewelry, handmade...everything pretty much, and there was singing all over the place. Of course, the first thing we run into is this little stand with jewelry, and I immediately find a necklace that I really want. Honestly, I'm one of those people who hardly ever gets things for myself, it's usually for other people. As previously stated in my Red Dress post, I often deny myself things because they don't seem practical or something I really need. Anyway, I can't stop looking at this necklace, It had shiny blues and green around a pearly shell. I just couldn't look away, and bf said that I should go ahead and get it if I really liked it, so I did. Now I kind of feel guilty because I used my credit card, and even though I'm paying my mom back...I feel guilty that I even spent my own money on it even though I love the necklace and wore it the rest of the day. I really need to learn that it's ok to spend money on myself from time to time.

After that, we ended up walking around and seeing all the different thing. Some of the thing were so amazing like the wood carvers, quilters, and such. I've kind of always wanted to learn how to do something like quilting or crocheting, but there never really seems to be a good time for that. That and I'm not really sure how to go about learning. That's something I'd rather learn from a person and not from a book. I have a feeling it's something I would need an actual hands on instructor for. However, I digress. Eventually, we walk into this antique shop. I actually happen to know one of the people that own it, and it was really nice to see her. I wasn't even sure she'd remember me since it's been about....5 or 6 years since I saw her. I've changed a lot in appearance since then. She did remember though, and we had a nice chat. Of course, looking around inside the store was amazing.

I kind of have a weak spot for certain antiques. If anything reminds me of something we have at my grandmother's or that my mom has...I kind of want it or want to get it for them. My other weaknesses are jewelry and kitchen things. (They did have this old fashioned dress too, but with no size on it we didn't want to take the risk of one of us loving it.)  It was so much fun looking at things; I had forgotten  how much fun just window shopping can be since I haven't been in a while. Becca actually ended up getting this beautiful cake plate that looked like one she'd broken when she was younger. He rmom absolutely loved it. It was just a fun day.

I felt really relaxed through the whole day which was just wonderful. It might not seem all that exciting, but trust me...after so much stress with school and deadlines among other things, it's nice to just take a breather and enjoy things going on in your own town. 

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Eggs and Sleepless Night

Hello all. I haven't been able to sleep at all, so I thought that I would go ahead and blog about my experience with eggs yesterday. At around 9 am my boyfriend came over and hinted that he'd like to try to make breakfast together. Now, we have done this on a number of occasions, but my part of the process has usually been to butter the toast or put jam on it and to pour the juice. This time I was going to be the chef.

Let me say that there is only one kind of egg that I have an confidence about making, and that is scrambled. I have been making scrambled eggs for some time. Other than that, I'm pretty clueless. Oh, I know what they are supposed to look like, but I haven't really attempted to make any of them. Yesterday morning, he wanted fried eggs.

I had seen him make them many times for me, but we didn't have butter or bacon grease. Instead, I made use of what I believe was margarine. The first egg I cooked all the way and popped the yolk of the egg. It looked kind of bad. Of course, I also hadn't completely followed the recipe because I got nervous with him standing there. After the first egg I asked him to wait in the other room. 

The second egg I followed the directions and added the water like the cookbook suggested. Everything was going great until I couldn't flip the egg out of the pan. Since the pan was hot, it kept right on cooking. It was closer than the other one was as the egg actually did leak a little, but it definitely wasn't how it should look. Of course, I was just excited that I had managed to cook two eggs without burning anything or anyone. (The other day I wasn't paying attention and burnt my finger on the stove.)

He was still hungry, so I thought I would make him an omelet. I made an omelet once when I was in high school, but that was the only time. I banished him to the other room again and set out to make the omelet. Everything went well. The eggs were thickening in the bottom of the pan like they were supposed to, but there were places on top that just weren't doing what I thought they should It took a little longer than the cookbook said it would to work, but I think that may have been because of the temperature I had it set on. The book said medium, but I'm not sure if the medium on our stove is medium in the way the book means. Anyway, it was getting to be a nice brown on the bottom, so I knew it was time to take it off. Things seemed to be going alright. I ran my spatula around the edge of the egg, and it came off quite clean. Then I tried to get it out onto the plate. At that point, I realized that I had folded over the wrong part. That may seem a little strange to say, but I had folded over the part that wasn't near where I was supposed to flip it onto the plate. Being left handed, this proved to be a problem. I switched hands, and my hand holding the pan was shaking as I tried to scootch the egg onto the plate.

After a few tries, I decided to just use the spatula to ease it out. That's when I realized what the problem was...the bottom of the omelet was stuck to the pan in the middle. I tried to slip my spatula under to help. It did loosen the omelet from the bottom, but it also pulled the nice brown right off the egg. It looked like somebody had shaved the omelet with all the little marks. I carefully pulled the brown off the bottom of the pan and tried to use it to cover up the spots on the omelet that were bald. Then I made some toast and put jam on the bread and took it to my boyfriend. He looked at it and asked what the bubbles were, and I realized that the browning had come off of where I had tried to cover the bald up. Even though I knew he had never had an omelet before and that he was just asking because he was curious about how it was supposed to look (he cooks too), I didn't take it well.

Honestly, part of me wanted to cry. That may seem like a rather large reaction to something small, but I have been kind of emotional lately, and I had tried so hard to get things right. When it comes to food, I really want things to look and taste good. My boyfriend started eating it and told me it was good, but I felt slightly discouraged until he had me taste it. I had tried some of the fried eggs which hadn't turned out to great, but when I tasted the omelet, it actually tasted like an omelet should other than the missing browning. At this point I calmed down and we enjoyed breakfast together.

It seems kind of like a small victory. I've struggled with breakfast items in the past as I never usually make it. My family and I just aren't warm breakfast people unless it's toast. Anyway, having a semi-successful day in which the food was okay, nobody got burned, and nobody was poisoned felt like I had achieved something. It made me happy. Next time I'm going to try to add other things to it.

Now, I think I will try to go to sleep. I didn't have luck earlier because I was jumping at every noise I heard so couldn't sleep. I'm hoping that I now have sufficiently tired myself out so that things won't bother me. If I can't sleep...guess I'll just look for ideas for my next adventure.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

A Few Things

I am officially a college graduate. It still hasn't fully hit me yet. Every once in a while I have to remind myself that it is in fact real. I have walked the stage. All those late nights, long hours of homework, waking up early and stressing over things has all been worth it. With that degree also comes the knowledge that I have amazing memories to go along with it. Now that I am beginning a new chapter, I have decided there are things that I want to do that I have been denying myself because I kept making excuses for not doing it. As I said in my previous post on the red dress, I shall be listing and discussing them. Note that there are more than I'll be listing, but these are some of the main ones.

1. Write a book
There are so many different stories and plots that I have written down or started, but I kept putting off work on it because I didn't have time or because I thought they were rubbish. Writing has always been something I've enjoyed, and I honestly think I may have a few good ideas. This time, I am going to finish at least one of my books and try to get it published.

2. Learn to tango
I have always wanted to learn how to tango; it is such a beautiful dance. It just never seemed like a practical thing to do. I would like to take classes or learn from somebody that already knows how. I love to dance, and I think this would be a lot of fun.

3. Buy the book of love poems by Pablo Neruda
Again, it didn't seem practical. The one I have my eye on seems so expensive, but reading those poems I feel happy. He is such a master with words, and some of his poems make me want to cry (in a good way). If something makes me smile on the inside, why shouldn't I go ahead and get it?

4. Don't be afraid to take some chances
I've always been on the more sensible side and never really done things spur of the moment just for the experience. I'd like to take more chances on things that I want to do and not let my head completely rule me.

5. Make a cheesecake
This has more to do with the fact that I think I look horrible and I don't want to give myself something else to eat, but I've always wanted to make one. It's one of my favorite desserts, but I told myself no because I didn't need it. Well, I want to make one. They are delicious and I love to bake!!!

6. Lose weight
I know that I'm not fat, but I feel it. I'm planning on getting a gym membership and put in the work. I want to get my weight down to where I was my junior year of college. I'd like to have my weight to that come this December. Honestly, I'd like it before then, but I think it's a fairly good goal. I don't want to make myself go overboard.

7. Learn Italian
Again, this was not practical to me. I love Italian, but I could never figure out when I would actually use it. I think it would be fun. It makes me happy when I learn new languages, and I don't want to stop myself from being happy because I think something isn't practical.

Well, these are just a few of the things I want to do, but I will probably come up with more later. As I continue on, I will share with you any successes and failures I have concerning these things. I'm hoping to check off some of these within three months.

Friday, May 18, 2012

My Traveling Red Dress Experience

I don't know how many of you have heard of the Traveling Red Dress, but it is a movement that has spread all over the world. It started with a red dress that went on a journey to women that needed that "red dress moment," and now dresses are flying everywhere. The woman who started it all is one of my favorite bloggers. The Bloggess is such an amazing woman and so much fun to read; I have been reading her for some time, and that is how I first heard about the Traveling Dress. The first post you can read here, and there is a revisited one that you can read here. I swear this woman inspires me, and not just because I can kind of identify with her about a few things but because I know very few other people that would have a metal rooster named Beyonce or have a collection of stuffed animals wearing clothes (literally stuffed animals, not the cute little things you buy that are made of cloth). She's just so funny, brilliant, gorgeous, random, and so many other things I like.

In the lovely Blogess' words: I want, just once, to wear a bright red, strapless ball gown with no apologies.  I want to be shocking, and vivid and wear a dress as intensely amazing as the person I so want to be.  And the more I thought about it the more I realized how often we deny ourselves that red dress and all the other capricious, ridiculous, overindulgent and silly things that we desperately want but never let ourselves have because they are simply “not sensible”.  Things like flying lessons, and ballet shoes, and breaking into spontaneous song, and building a train set, and crawling onto the roof just to see the stars better.  Things like cartwheels and learning how to box and painting encouraging words on your body to remind yourself that you’re worth it.

That is how it all started. After reading the first red dress post, I wanted a red dress, but I hadn't gotten the nerve to think of trying to find one or anything. I felt like I could use one, that I wanted a little piece of the magic, but I guess it just wasn't time. Then, the second post was out there, and this time I couldn't ignore it. There was a facebook group where women were asking for and offering dresses or just sharing their stories. For a while, all I did was read the posts and comment on the pictures and stories. I was amazed at all of these wonderful women that were so supportive of one another and willing to be there for others that they didn't even know, and some of the stories that came out were just so amazing and lovely. 

Eventually, I got up the nerve to ask, and that's when I was sent one by a wonderful woman named Karen. I found a photographer named Kristina that was willing to take pictures of me and a friend. After the experience, I decided to start a new blog. The Traveling Red Dress and my upcoming graduation just seemed to signal that it was time for a new one for a new chapter. This is the beginning. Below are some pictures and the beginnings of my story. (These pictures were taken a while ago, but I didn't want to show them until I had settled on one to give to my mom as a surprise gift.)  

I think this is a good starter about me. I've almost always been the shy type, peeking around places and a bit unsure of myself. I was picked on as I was growing up for being adopted; it wasn't something I was ashamed of, but sometimes words can be a little harsh. When somebody says that your birth mom didn't love you, as a kid (at least for me) that hurts. However, I had my mom there to comfort me and make me feel special. There were also my siblings, and they helped me through elementary school. Besides, that's the time when nothing seems that bad, but as I grew up into middle school, things got a little more difficult. People started to pick on me for more things. Before I knew it, my self-confidence and self-esteem were gone. I was convinced that I was ugly and a bit worthless. It didn't seem to matter that my family was telling me the opposite; all I could see were the flaws.

Then, my uncle died of brain cancer when I was in 8th grade. That one even rocked my entire world. He had come to live with my family along with his wife, and the whole experience left me with so many painful memories. Watching somebody that you love so much just deteriorate before your eyes isn't something that I'd wish on anybody, and watching what it did to the rest of the family made things even worse. Once it was over, there were so many things I regretted about the way I handled things...about how weak I'd been, and that's when I turned in on myself and became a little more closed off, and I turned to unhealthy comforts which I won't go; if you'd really like to know message me, and I will share. Anyway, after that I was so depressed it was hard to actually care about anything at all. Everything reminded me of him, and even though I tried to hold onto the good things it didn't work for long. 

This kept on through high school where I experienced the usual heartbreaks, headaches and other growing up experiences. Some made it worse and some made it better. The big change was being in the marching band. That's where I met some of my best friends not to mention my future boyfriend. I felt like I was a part of something great. Music made me feel better, and that coupled with my family made days a lot better. That wasn't to say I wasn't still struggling with depression off and on, but there were longer stretches where I could be just fine. The one thing that still wasn't better though was my self-esteem. 

The thing was that I wasn't being told I was ugly; I had just internalized it from my middle school days, and I couldn't let go of that image. In college, that reared its head again when I started to show signs of anorexia, but my family and friends helped me through that as well. My family actually kept telling me positive things, but only a few things were getting through. Not there fault of course, mine entirely. They have always been big supporters of me, and I don't know how I'd get a long without them. They have made such a difference over the years; I love them so much, and it's because of them that I have been able to take on life even when I'm feeling down. 

The summer after sophomore, I got back in contact with a guy I had been friends with in high school. Before I knew what was happening, he had captured my heart and we were dating. I've been with him ever since. He's made me feel a lot more sure of myself as has my support system. I'm finally able to try and listen and believe the good things people say and not just the bad.

I still have times when I don't want to look in the mirror because it makes me want to burst out in tears, and yes sometimes depression hits me like two elephants racing, but I feel better in my skin. That's how I knew that I was ready to let myself have a red dress. Not just an actual dress, I'm also ready to let myself do and have things that I haven't because there always seemed to be some reason not to. I will talk about these in my next post.

Now to the actual Traveling Red Dress. My dress was sent to me by Karen. When it arrived, I was so nervous that it wasn't going to fit. Being in college, I wasn't sure if I was still the same dress size or not, but when it came my fears washed away. The dress fit me pretty much perfectly. I could not stop looking at myself in it, and for the first time in a long time, I felt beautiful without hearing it from anybody first. I liked what I saw; I wanted to skip and dance down the hallway. Instead, I started looking for a photographer. The Traveling Red Dress facebook page offered the answer I was looking for. A wonderful photographer named Kristina agreed to meet me and a friend at this wonderful park (Mayfield Park) in Austin where they have peacocks and other nice places for pictures. When I met her, she was exactly what I was hoping for. She was so nice and fun; I was nervous and a bit shy as usual, but this time I wasn't afraid of the camera. I had on my red dress, a necklace given to me by Liesel (another wonderful woman from Traveling Red Dress) when she sent a dress to my sister, and some silver heels that I've loved forever. I looked at the camera and felt so wonderful. I felt pretty and I felt happy. Things just flowed in my head. Kristina was wonderful to work with and being there with a friend was wonderful too. It just felt like the best way to start fresh.

 I had been waiting for this, and it was better than I could have ever expected. Thank you can't even cover what there is to say to The Bloggess, my family (mom, sister, brother), my boyfriend, friends, Liesel, Karen, Kristina and all the other wonderful women I have come to know through not only this experience but throughout my life. I know the road isn't going to be easy, but I feel a little more prepared for what is to come because of all of them. Yes, I will doubt myself; yes, I must continue to work on my self-confidence more, but yes, I have felt the magic and feel beautiful.